Parenting Book Review

I love a good parenting book.
 “But this is a football book?” you argue. 

Why yes, it is.  And it is a WONDERFUL resource on how to run a family too!!

While Bronco isn’t the author of the book, he assisted them in putting together how to build a successful team by sharing the things he has done during his career as BYU head football coach.  Much of what he learned came from the mentoring of author Paul Gustavson and can be applied to managing a business, coaching a team or running a household.  

Bronco’s approach uses the analogy of five smooth stones, just like the ones that David used in the Bible to slay Goliath.  The chapters go in depth on how to apply these principles.

Smooth Stone #1 – Organizations Can Craft a Sustainable Competitive Advantage through Differentiation

Smooth Stone #2 – Organizations Are Perfectly Designed to Get the Results That They Get

Smooth Stone #3 – Organizations Are Made Up of Business Processes, and Not All Processes Are Created Equal

Smooth Stone #4 – Knowledge Is the Purest Form of Competitive Advantage

Smooth Stone #5 – Effective Leaders Capture Hearts and Minds

The book gives background on Bronco’s life and how he came to be the BYU head coach.  The next 11 chapters cover his program processes and the nuts and bolts of his program.  This was some fascinating information on how to run a successful football team.  They were all things you can apply in your own family, like differentiation, all work is not equal, knowledge and the impossible.

One of my favorite things about the book are the Quick Response (QR) codes throughout.  After reading about a process, you can link up to a youtube about what was just discussed.  For example, chapter 6 is titled Champions On and Off the Field.  On page 148, it gives the QR link to this video (see the video here).  I loved Bronco in real time talking about these principles.

 

The second section goes into great detail, the Smooth Stone analogy.  At the end of each chapter, they even give suggestions on how to apply the principles to your organization.

Bronco uses football as a vehicle to teach greater life lessons.  He emphasizes Faith, Family, Finding Knowledge, Friends, and then finally Football and in that order.

You don't have to be a football fan or a BYU fan to appreciate this book but if you are, it makes the reading that much better.  Go get yours today.

Bullying and the Sweetie Peace Conference

On a busy Thursday afternoon, my husband got a phone call from our 14 year old who called to say he had been in a fight. After making sure he was all right, we listened as he told his side of the story.

He had been hit from behind and quickly turned around with his fists up to defend himself. Luckily, nothing else happened. A teacher saw the whole thing and took them both to the office to meet with the principal. My son was allowed to go back to class and the other child was given a three-day suspension.  

When I figured out the other boy was my friend’s son, I immediately wanted to call and talk about it but we were on our way out of town. I decided to go with my "10 rule" (see that post here) before making the call.  I wasn't really mad because it turns out my son had been teasing this kid for quite a while. A few years to be exact...and I had no idea.

How is it that a good parent, like me, doesn't know her son is being a "bully" at school? He knows better. We talk about making good choices, we preach the Golden Rule, we pray for kindness and yet it still happened. I hate the label of "bully" because it makes him sound like he is one of "those" kids. My boy is good-hearted. If he had teased this boy only one time, I would have shrugged it off. But he had been doing it for a few years. That is bullying.

I realize at the middle school, hormones are out of control and fighting happens. The fear of being unpopular is a serious threat and putting others down by teasing and making rude comments has been happening since preteens were created. And I don’t condone it.

But today I want to give props to the kid who finally did something about it. I'm sorry it took you so long to let it be known you were sick of his teasing. I'm sorry you let someone treat you badly for so long without saying something. I'm especially embarrassed it was a fellow Aaronic Priesthood holder from a church that preaches how we should be more like Christ. Neither kid’s actions were Christlike but kudos for your courage in standing up to your bully and letting him know you are done.

I called my friend when we got home from our trip and together we schemed to get the two boys to talk to each other at the local frozen yogurt place called Sweetie Peaz. I told my son that morning I was taking him there to meet with the boy and his mom. He was less than happy. He dubbed it the Sweetie Peace Conference.  (See, he is a cute kid!!)

We arrived, got our yogurt and found chairs to sit on outside to keep the conversation a little more private. We gave each boy a chance to tell their side of the story before chiming in with our own take on the event. The phrases,"you shouldn't have hit him" and "you shouldn't have been bullying him" were repeated and a conversation about bullying ensued. They said they were sorry and we each went our separate ways.

My family made fun of me for going to the effort of meeting with the other kid but I'm glad I did it. Will it end his bullying? Maybe...maybe not, but I hope so. Will I know if he is bullying other kids?  Probably not. Will I continue being vigilant in reminding my children of the importance in being respectful towards others? Absolutely. But I can only do so much.

We live in a society of victims. This is where we all can do our part to end bullying. Teach your children to stand up for themselves. I'm not talking about fighting. I'm talking about defending themselves and knowing you have their back. When they tell you so-and-so is calling them names, ask them if they really think that’s who they are. For example, my four year old often comes to me telling me her 3 year old brother said she was a poo-poo head. I say to her, "Well, are you a poo-poo head?"  Her response is always “no” and I confirm to her that she is right. She is a smart and beautiful girl who shouldn't let her little brother say naughty things about her. I tell her to go back and let him know she is not a poo-poo head and to stop calling names. Usually that is the end of the discussion.  

With my older kids, I have always let them know I stand behind them if they have to defend themselves. I tell them, “If someone is calling you names, tell them to stop and tell them they are wrong.  Have courage and confidence.”  Okay, maybe not in those words exactly but you get the gist. I want to relate a story to you that illustrates my point.  

When my brother was in junior high school, he was having problems at the bus stop with a kid who wanted to fight him.  My dad told him he wasn’t allowed to throw the first punch but he was allowed to defend himself.  If the boy punched him, he was to tell him to stop. If he punched him again, he could fight back. Sure enough, the boy punched my brother and my brother told him to knock it off. The boy punched him again and my brother hit him hard enough to end the fight. The bus arrived, they were driven to school and both taken directly to the principal's office by the bus driver. (I believe school bus stops are technically school property). Each parent was called and when the truth came out that my brother had in fact hit him back after being hit first, my dad told the principal that those were the instructions he had given his son.  

The issue of bullying is out of control because kids know if someone looks at them wrong, they can run to mommy or daddy and be rescued. We want our kids to run to us so we can soothe them and teach them skills to deal with their problems, not to fix it for them. What will your child do if he is bullied in the workplace as an adult? I have had two adult children bullied at work and I’m so glad they had the confidence and skills to take care of themselves. They could have easily quit and given up.

We need to love and nurture our children without making them incapable of solving their own problems. We can’t put all the focus on how to fix the bully issue without addressing a larger issue of a growing generation of kids who lack the confidence and skills to stand up for themselves when things get hard.  Encourage your kids to talk to you, acknowledge their struggle, teach them coping skills and give them the confidence to stand up for themselves. It might take time and it will certainly take patience on your part.  Your heart may even break at times but that is what will end the bully problem.  

Post Edit:  I want to make it clear that I do realize there may be circumstances beyond your child's control due to severe and excessive bullying, disabilities, etc.  I do not want anyone to think that I am against going to the teacher/administration/parent of someone who is a bully. I do think there are appropriate steps to take before that happens and that is what I'm talking about here. At that point, I totally support you going "Mama or Papa Bear" in defense of your child. That's your job.

Are you a Gem of a husband?

I recently had dinner with three wonderful friends I met while attending ASU.  We are all members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we each hold a batchelor’s degree or better and we all are mothers and were or are married for more than ten years.  The thing that makes us different is that two of these women are divorced.  One of them I have only known since after her divorce.  She is beautiful, intelligent and devoted and among her other talents.  She has always been (to me), happy and content with the direction her life is going.  That isn’t to say it has been easy, but where she is today is more peaceful than when she was married.

My other friend has only been divorced for a few months.  She has always been beautiful, intelligent, devoted and insightful but only until recently did she seem happy like my other friend. Her countenance had significantly changed and the light was shining from her like I hadn't seen before.

As some women do, we were talking about the ups and downs of marriage (nothing specific, but general thoughts).  I was quiet as I listened to the adventures of the dating world and we discussed the world of men, both single and married.  I was fairly quiet as I listened to my divorced friends talk about the sadness that accompanied their marriages.  I will admit that I even wept for them right there over my prime rib and sweet potato.  My heart just ached for these women.  My married friend talked about health problems that can also cause hiccups in an otherwise good marriage. 

He's not perfect but he's a gem.

I almost immediately wanted to run home into the arms of my husband who was at home wrestling with our little ones and getting them ready for bed.  I wanted to tell him how lucky I was to have him.  As I listened to these women, I knew I had a gem of a husband.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband isn’t perfect, but I will clean up his homemade popcorn and diet Mountain Dew messes forever if that is the worst of it.  So for the last few days I have been trying to come up with a few things that make a good husband great.  Would you believe I only came up with two?

Put God first.  Whether you are a member of my faith or any other faith, Heavenly Father needs to be first in your life. It isn’t just a matter of saying you do, but acting like you do. Do you fulfill your callings at church to the best of your ability?  Do you have personal prayer and scripture study regularly?  Do you lead righteously as head of your family by calling for Family Home evening, family prayer and scripture study?  Do you honor your priesthood by serving in your quorum?  Do you do your home teaching?  I have found that out of all the extra-curricular things my husband does (and there are a lot of them), I have never been upset or frustrated about him not being home when he was out doing the Lord’s work.

Second, family always comes first…after Heavenly Father.  I have found that if you are putting your faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, this will naturally happen.  You will WANT to be with your family and serve them because of your desire to serve God.  I think sometimes men in general, because of the traditional demands placed on them to be providers for their family sometimes forget that their wife comes first.  Yes, coaching your kid's baseball team is important but not as important as your relationship with your wife. There will be a day when the kids are gone and you and your wife will be the only ones left.  What kind of relationship will you have then?

Above all, make sure you date your wife regularly.  I’m not talking every other month or so.  If possible, take her on a date every single week.  She needs it.  She wants it.  She must have it.  As the mother of eight, I can tell you that the sacrifices we had to make because of finances, babysitter issues and scheduling conflicts were always absolutely worth it.  Our outings are rarely expensive and I have shared many times how when we were younger, we spent our entire date night budget on the babysitter (there wasn’t that much to begin with.)  We shared a soda and sat in the car under the runway on the military base and watched the jets take off while we stared at the stars and just talked about stuff.

In addition to family first, please respect your wife as a person and her responsibilities at home.  If you think being a stay at home mother is easy, I challenge you to send your wife away for a week and see how you do.  It is tiring, it is mentally and emotionally draining and sometimes it is extremely lonely.  Add to that, many women are working part time or full time jobs as well.  Clear the dishes and load them into the dishwasher, run the vacuum in the family room or surprise her with pizza for dinner.  Thank her for being awesome even if by the looks of the house you wonder if she was on Facebook all day. (You could send her a FB message telling her how awesome she is and she would love it.)  Hold her hand and tell her she is beautiful.  Remind her that she is and will always be your favorite member of the family and tell the kids how much you love their mom.  Make out on the couch in front of them once in a while.  They will be embarrassed but your actions will say a thousand words. 

Lastly, she is not your mother, she is MORE IMPORTANT than your mother.  No matter your relationship with your mother, ALWAYS choose to be on your wife’s side of family matters.  Please put a picture of your wife on your desk, next to your bed or as your screensaver.  Hang your wedding picture where your kids can see it.  Honor your wife  the way you want her to honor you.

I think most everything else falls into one of these two categories.  Put God first in your life and your family next.  It won’t be easy at times; there will be hiccups in your life that cause you to lose sight or get off track from what is important.  Repent and move back to the right choices immediately and don’t be so proud that you can’t ask for help either.  Ask a friend, your Elder’s Quorum or High Priest leader.  

How about asking your wife?!?!?!?! 

Now get off the computer and go kiss your wife…right now. 

Easter

We took the kids to the Easter Pageant.  For more information on that, click here.  Our 12 year old daughter Katy was able to invite a non member friend to go with us.  It is a pageant about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It is fabulous and I have fond memories of going as a child.

We stopped and got Ned's Krazy Subs "to go" and we took our blankets and ate our dinner picnic style on the lawn of the temple.  We always sit on the lawn, I think it is more intimate and personal to be huddled together with my family.

My babies, Anny age 4 and Derek age 3 would not stop asking me questions all throughout the performance.  I'm glad they have a basic knowledge of Jesus Christ but at times I wanted them to just stop talking so I could enjoy it in peace but who tells their kids to be quiet and stop asking questions about Jesus?  For reals.  Anyway, I tried to be patient.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross, I thought Anny was going to cry.  She kept saying, "this is so sad, why would they do that?"  Even Derek was mesmerized.

We enjoyed the parable of the Ten Virgins (my favorite bible story) as they danced and carried their lamps.  We talked about the importance of knowing the Savior for ourselves so we will be ready when he comes again and I felt the spirit as we quietly whispered to each other.

Someday Anny will have two "big" hands.

The most awesome moment was at the end after Christ's
death when the angels are rejoicing in his resurrection.  Atop the large stage, dozens of angels singing and rejoicing and the music was wonderful and inspiring and loud; so loud that it covered the shriek of happiness that came from Anny when she saw Christ rising up from behind all the angels.  We laughed and cried at the same time.  When it was over, we reminded the kids that our bodies will die someday and we will return to our Father in Heaven just like Jesus did.  But that because of our Savior's sacrifice, our bodies will rise again and be resurrected.  All the things that were wrong with our bodies will become perfected and we will be whole.  This she reminded us gently that it will be the best day because, "I will have two big hands and no little hands."

My tears flowed freely as she remembered a principle we have taught her over and over again.  My testimony is sure that we have a loving brother Jesus Christ who suffered for our sins, died and was then resurrected just as we will.  I am indebted to my elder brother for his sacrifice and example.  I know Christ lives and loves each of us.  I want to live my life worth of that sacrifice.

I can't wait till next year...

Poetry Month is in April - I'm getting ready

I posted earlier this month about how to write an acrostic poem.  Today I learned from my author friend Theresa how to write a cinquain poem.  It really took me back to my elementary school days and I loved it.  Find her post here on how to write one and then try it out yourself.  I'd love to see what you come up with.  Here's a few of mine:

Brothers

Incredible Bond

Making Moments Count

Setting a good example

Forever

Missionary
Service, Exhausted
Walking, Praying, Teaching
Teaching others about Christ
Vance

Sleepy

Always Needs Nap

Searching for ways to cope

Ending up at the pop store

Stacy

So let me see what you come up with!!

Why Is This Such Sensational News?

I love my job as a writer for The Beehive.  I have met some pretty awesome individuals over the years as I have done interviews.  I have decided my favorite people to write about are the youth.  I like to get people excited about the future generation and what they have to offer.

My latest article is about Chy Johnson (no relation), who is a special needs student at a nearby high school who was struggling with bullies.  You can read it here.

The one thing that I like about my blog is that I can express my opinion where in the article I cannot.  What I wish I could have said (besides how awesome I think these boys are), is that I wish this didn't have to be such a unique story...I wish this was just an every day, run of the mill news article we watched on the television every single day.  Why is it so sensational to hear that a boy and his teammates were nice to this girl who was being bullied?  I would like to think that this happens every day all over the world.  The truth is, that I know it happens, but why don't we hear more of these kinds of stories?  My theory? Because people are reading or hearing about it and thinking to themselves, "this is too good to be true."  Well I know Chy and her family and I know this story is for real.

Carson was the football player Chy's mom sent an e-mail to asking for names of who he thought was doing the bullying.  No names were given, he decided instead to take action.  He invited Chy to eat at his lunch table and she had an escort to each class from that day on.  According to Carson's mom, she didn't even know there was anything monumental going on until she read about it in the local paper.  That says to me, that Carson and his friends were just doing what they knew was right.  It wasn't something they really thought about or planned, they just went and did it, with no idea that it would turn into a news story covered across the nation and in other parts of the world.  They did it because it was the right thing to do.

Is it really too good to be true?  I say no.  I say this is just one of the many stories of compassion, friendship and love that goes on every single day around us. Think about it.  Really consider the kindness showed to you as you went about your day today.  Someone smiled at you or said thank you, maybe held the door open for you.  Those are seemingly small things that make a big difference not only for the recipient but for the giver.

You know what would make me start watching the news again?  (I stopped several years ago because I was sick of the hatred and violence and narcissism ). I would love to write an article about the lady at Circle K who occasionally gives my kids their drinks for free because she likes them, or the man in front of me in the drive thru who paid my bill anonymously.  I'd like to turn on the news and hear the news anchor ask a homeless person, "what were you thinking when the pizza delivery guy handed you the pizza and told you it was already paid for?"  I want to hear stories about kids who learn to play the piano despite having no fingers on one hand or blow everyone away on America's Got Talent  t.v. show despite the fact that they have never had a formal voice lesson but sing like an angel.  I want to hear about the good feeling the older woman in the post office had when the teenagers offered to carry her packages inside for her.  Yep, that's what I want to be sensationalized on television news broadcasts.  That might get me watching the news again...

Do you have a great news story?  One you think needs to be shared?  Let me know, I'd love to spread the word.

Managing Finances...Women's Conference part 3

I feel like this could be its own series in itself but suffice it to say that money is a part of keeping our homes, is it not?

I'm not a professional on this topic, I can hardly balance my own checkbook, let alone give advice.  I live paycheck to paycheck, sometimes stretch myself further than I should and waste money on things that have very little lasting value...like many people I know.

But there is one thing I do know:  When I start spending more than is coming in, the problems start.

Budgeting is key. Because I'm horrible about writing checks and not remembering to log them, I stopped writing checks.  I am on a strict cash only basis and I'm not always as vigilant as I ought to, but I'm getting better.  I find that I spend less, I am more careful about my purchases and I have learned how to say no to lots of extra things that don't have lasting value (except for maybe my diet pepsi splurges).  This works for me.

There are lots of wonderful resources out there for managing our finances.  Dave Ramsey is one of my most favorites.  You can find lots of good ideas by searching the internet also.

Things I've learned about money:

Not having ice cream in the freezer is never an emergency.
If I consolidate my errands, I save time and gas.
If I buy certain vegetables in bulk for much cheaper, then take them home, cut them up and freeze them, I save time and money.  Onions and bell peppers are a good example.
It's embarassing to owe people money.

If I pay my tithing first, I am blessed.  Always, every single time.

I'm sure there are more but like I said, I'm no expert. When I am careful with my money, my marriage is better and I have less stress.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Next:  Prioritize and Simplify